


keep my mind off the edge

by seraphicbane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-11 09:04:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15312099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seraphicbane/pseuds/seraphicbane
Summary: the aftermath of magnus losing his magic





	keep my mind off the edge

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this in my drafts for months now and i just need to let it out into the world. if i don't i'm convinced i will never write anything else ever again because my perfectionist ass will be making changes on it for the rest of forever and we can't have that.
> 
> the title's from better than i know myself by adam lambert which is an absolutely stunning song.

Magnus was seated at the edge of the unmade bed, the early morning sun struggling to get through the window blinds casting faint stripes of light across his feet. He soaked in the warmth of the sun, the sounds of cars braving traffic many stories below as well as the shower running in the other room, holding the normality of these things impossibly close to his heart. The red silk sheets under him, the muted smell of sandalwood, the soft purring of Chairman Meow still sound asleep at his feet – these were things that remained unyielding in the middle of ever-revolving chaos and he found immense comfort in them.

After everything that had happened he had expected to feel off-kilter for possibly a day, maybe two, before easing into a new routine, but it was almost a week ago that he had lost his powers and he felt like he was drifting just a little further away from himself with every passing day.

He exhaled heavily and cast his eyes down to his hands. In every way imaginable it was like they weren’t his at all. Much like a heartbeat, he could always feel the presence of his magic underneath his skin, coursing through his veins. The absence of it made him feel empty and his hands cold and weightless, like they held no viable purpose. 

Magic was what had shaped him up to be who he was, for better or for worse. It was all he could rely on for a large portion of his life to give him purpose. It was through magic that he’d managed to help people, change and save lives. He had never known to fear the loss of that ability, naively thinking it was the one thing that could never be taken from him, but the reality of it was much more painful than he ever could have imagined it to be.

Contrary to even his own expectations, he didn’t really mourn the loss of trivial things he had grown used to doing with the help of magic. He could handle making coffee and cleaning alright. What was unbearable about the situation was that he could no longer aid the troubled or keep his loved ones safe. In the face of danger, he was entirely defenseless.

He took a deep breath, wringing his hands restlessly.

For days he had been telling himself that he would adjust to this change. He should be able to; over the course of his life he had grown accustomed to bearing the unbearable. Repeating it like a mantra, he’d hoped for it to become reality, but with every passing day he could feel the aching in his bones grow more persistent, the absence of his powers a constant, agonizing presence in his chest. With every passing day he grew increasingly certain that this was something he simply couldn’t overcome. 

Submerged in this endless spiral of suffocating thoughts, Magnus didn’t register Alec walking out of the bathroom door until he walked up to him, knelt on the floor in front of him and reached out to capture his hands between his, warmth instantaneously beginning to seep into his hollow palms and lifeless fingertips. 

“Hey,” Alec whispered softly, the worry evident in his expressive eyes. “Look at me, please.”

Magnus swallowed the lump in his throat and lifted his gaze up from their hands to meet Alec’s eyes, his vision blurred with unshed tears. 

This was not the first time Alec had seen Magnus like this. The past week had been a blur and although he had kept a brave face through all of it, Alec could see the pain Magnus continued to deny in the way he held himself, like he was barely able to stand without the fear of falling apart. Every time he’d asked him about it he’d brushed it off and Alec had let it go because he was so scared of pushing and breaking something even further beyond repair. He should’ve known he couldn’t have changed something that was so obviously inevitable.

“I’m sorry,” He shook his head. “It seems that no matter what I do I end up in the same place, not knowing how to… move on, or to even consider it a real possibility.”

Alec lifted up a hand and placed it on the side of Magnus’s face. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“I have to adjust, I don’t have a choice,” Magnus countered, the words weighing heavy on his tongue. 

Alec exhaled shakily. He wanted to tell Magnus that he would figure out a way to fix this even if it was the last thing that he ever did. He would go to Edom himself if that was what it took to make right something that was never supposed to be wrong. But he couldn’t tell Magnus that. Not now, not ever. The least he could do was be there for him when he needed it more than ever before. Right now, his guilt was irrelevant.

“I know you feel hopeless and I know that scares you, but you will get through this,” He said instead, softly but with so much conviction he almost believed in the wavering promise himself. "We will, together."

Magnus shook his head weakly. “This isn’t your weight to carry, Alexander.”

Alec brushed a thumb over Magnus’s cheek, never letting go of his other hand in a conscious attempt to fend off the cold he knew resided there. “This is the absolute least I can do. I’m not going anywhere.”

Magnus stared at him, every last word he intended to use to argue his sentiment getting stuck in his throat. He had never quite vouched for unconditional love, never experienced anything like it to believe in it entirely, but everything about Alec kneeling on the bedroom floor with his eyes intent on putting Magnus’s internal chaos on pause long enough to ensure him he was there for him no matter what made it impossible to question it, so he didn't. He couldn't have even if he tried. 

“Okay,” he breathed out, just a fraction of the weight on his shoulders dissipating, the thought of having to rebuild the foundation for his life from scratch no longer entirely unbearable. He wasn't necessarily any less lost than he had been, but he knew now that he didn't have to figure it out all on his own, which, in hindsight, he should have known from the start.

“Okay,” Alec echoed as he leaned in to press a feather-light kiss to his forehead before wrapping him up in his arms, intent on holding on for a long time.


End file.
